


His own Dementors

by the_new_little_writer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Awesome Molly Weasley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Nightmares, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Azkaban, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, Sirius Black has nightmares, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 19:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18239483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_new_little_writer/pseuds/the_new_little_writer
Summary: 'The thing is, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked uo in Azkaban, hasn’t it?'Sirius started to rise from his chair.'Molly you're not the only person at this table who cares about Harry,' said Lupin sharply. 'Sirius sit down.'What if Sirius hadn't "sank slowly back into his chair"?





	His own Dementors

Why do mere words hurt him so much? 

Sirius Black has been through everything, and yet mere words cut right through his walls, ripping old wounds open. “The thing is, it’s been rather difficult for you to look after him while you’ve been locked uo in Azkaban, hasn’t it?”

The young man almost laughed at himself. Twelve years of his life, twelve bloody years of his life spent in that prison, pacing around like a caged animal. He spent more years there than in Hogwarts, having to endure every day, every month, every year the new twisted tortures his dementor invaded mind could summon, with no hope of escape. 

He knew, deep down how well deserved these tortures had been, and was very well aware of how he abandoned Harry for all those years. Guilt of being such a terrible godfather never ceased to plague his thoughts, along with the nagging feeling that everyone would have been better off with him back in Azkaban. He was a nuisance, a useless, pathetic nuisance.

Remus had rebuilt his life, Harry had found a new family and friends that cared for him and the Order had beautifully managed to organize itself once again. He was holding everyone back, his mind stuck fourteen years ago, never moving forward, playing on repeat all day long, all night long every single nightmare he had ever faced. 

Azkaban and her dementors might be thousands of miles away, but Sirius Black still felt that he would never be happy again.

He tried to push these thoughts away, ground himself in the present. It was the only thing that had kept him sane all these years. He is sitting down, on the cold floor of the Black mansion. He can feel the cold ground under his body. His head is resting on his knees, he is breathing. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. He can hear his ragged breath, air flying out of his lungs and returning right back to them. He is alright. Everything is alright. He can be happy. Harry makes him happy. He is safe here.

But he isn’t. Everything in this house was dangerous, everything reminded him of his childhood. And how much more pathetic can he get, relying on a fifteen year old boy to find happiness. A boy that is in danger, that he endangered. Sirius could hear his breath getting faster and faster. He tried regain control over it, he really did. Tightening his wrists until he could feel the sharp nails digging through the flesh, pressing his head tighter on his knees, thinking of the good old days…. but as it often occurred, the vile memories of his subconsciousness did not give up so easily.

It was too much, everything was too much. The cold, the bone wrenching cold, penetrating his skin, his muscles, invading his very soul. 

Dark shadows, flying in front of his cell, stealing everything from him, yet always coming back for more. 

“He killed them! Lilly and James, he betrayed them!” 

Pettigrew’s frightened voice ringing in the back of his head. 

“Coward, murderer!” 

Remus, yelling at him. When had Remus said that? He didn’t know, he didn’t care. He was sorry, so, so sorry. 

“Harry was just a baby! How could you do this to us?” 

James… No! James… It was all his fault, he should have done something, he should have saved them, he should have saved Harry at least. He could see the bars in front of his cell, hear the waves crashing on the deserted island. 

Why is he back there? He doesn’t want to go back! He can’t! He needs to stay here! He loves the warmth, he doesn’t want, doesn’t want…

Sirius could feel a discreet drop trickling down his cheek. How ridiculous. Crying like a child in his bedroom while all the team was planning to preserve the wizarding world from the greatest threat it had ever faced. He had never felt so useless. His mother was right after all, what a fucking disappointment he turned out to be.

…

 

She hadn’t meant it, of course. She could only imagine what atrocities Sirius had to go through in that god forsaken place, and could sense in her a twinge of regret at the words that escaped her mouth. The shadow that had passed over Sirius’s eyes as he fled the room was enough to prove that damage had been done. Molly Weasley, for the life of her, could not bear to see someone she even remotely cared about suffer. Knowing that she caused the discomfort only made it worse. She would go up there and apologize to Sirius, check if he’s okay, because despite her often disapproving of the man’s immaturity, impulsiveness, possessiveness over Harry, insufferable temper… she did not hate him. 

Taking her youngest with her, she bid everyone goodnight, not without shooting a menacing glare to Remus and her husband. “Do not tell him more than he need to know.” Shouted her eyes.

After the struggle of forcing Ginny to bed, Molly wanted nothing more than to go lie down herself. Despite the fatigue slouching her shoulders, she strolled around the corridors of the ancient house until she was standing in front of the closed door of the room she had seen Sirius enter. She stared hesitantly for few seconds, then hit the wooden frame three times.

“I’m busy!” Answered a muffled voice. “I’ll join you later or something!” 

“Sirius it’s me. Uhm, I wanted to apologize about what I said earlier, I… It was… It was out of place and unnecessary.” 

“Forget it Molly, it’s all forgiven and forgotten.” He tried to force a laugh in a desperate attempt to make her leave faster, but royally failed and only managed to produce a strange choking sound that suspiciously resembled a half sob. He wanted to slap himself. Can’t even put up an act behind a closed door. Ridiculous.

“Sirius are you sure you’re alright? Can I come in?” 

“No!” The answer fused, not easing Molly’s rising worries. It was obvious something was wrong, and the guilt of causing this mood shift was starting to weight on her shoulders. He had looked almost carefree before she recklessly mentioned the prison and accused him of failing Harry, a smug smile on his face, shoulder relaxed… a beautiful façade. 

“Sirius just let me properly apologize to you… I know the only conversations we’ve shared up to now have been fights, but we can’t go on like this. If not for me then for Harry, open the bloody door and let me say sorry.” 

“Oh come on Molly don’t feel guilty about it, it’s not like what you said was a lie or anything.” Replied a childish, forced voice. 

Sirius inhaled, knowing that the headstrong woman would not give up so easily. Wiping the few treacherous tears on his cheeks, he jumped on his bed, opted for a nonchalant posture, caught a book from his bedside and pretended to be hooked by it. “But if it makes you feel better, then come on in, let’s have a mature, adult conversation!” He cheerfully added.

The heavy door creaked open under the pressure of Molly’s fingers, and Sirius Black lying on his bed, holding a book upside down with reddened eyes was not the sight she had expected.

A good conversation was definitely in order.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy my attempt to cope with the unfair sad life if Sirius Black!
> 
> I'm actually proud of how some parts turned out, and absolutely disgusted by others but hey, babysteps right? It's only my second fanfiction!
> 
> (Btw Pilos if you're reading this, just stop *wink wink*)


End file.
